Break Bad Habits
Build Better Ones
Become Better Men
- Nate Whitson -
As human beings, we tend to focus on the bad instead of the good.
It seems to be our natural bent.
Here's a good way of illustrating what I'm thinking.
Let's say you're a kid and you bring home your report card to your parents. You got 3 A's, 1 B, and 1 F.
Guess which one your parents will focus on first!?
The F!!
"What's up with this?! This is unacceptable. We need to fix this problem asap!"
This is understandable, isn't it?
There's clearly something wrong when a kid brings home an F and something needs to change.
Yet, maybe there's a better way of creating change.
My contention is this: If you want to change something, focus on what's working first.
This report card, by all accounts, is a pretty good report with just one blemish.
Yet, that's not how we tend to see problems.
Why is it that parents don't spend more time praising the kid for how awesome the majority of the report is?
Why do we tend to be so problem-focused instead of positive-focused?
This isn't to say we should be positive for the sake of being positive and only pat people on the back and never correct, punish, or teach them.
Not at all!
What I'm proposing here, instead, is that the way we may correct and create change might actually be better and more productive with a different approach and focus.
Instead of starting with the problems, maybe we should start by acknowledging what's working first.
Instead of asking: "What's the problem here and how do we fix it?", maybe we should start here and ask this instead:
"What's working and how can I do more of it?"
Take this story and imagine how this question changes things.
Yes, you'll eventually get to dealing with the problem of the F on the report card. But the point here is that you'll simply start with what's working first.
You might probe a little and ask what's happening in the classes that you got A's and B's in, and discover that there's something positive in those settings that's missing in the others.
If so, you've found something important to build on and can point to solving the problem through a positive approach of what's working, and see how you might apply that in the other class, too.
Here's the point (since you're probably thinking this doesn't apply to you since you're not in school anymore):
We all have problems that need to be addressed, and the first thing we tend to do is focus on the negative.
Maybe you want to change your bad habit of chewing your fingernails, or stopping your outbursts of anger, or quit looking at porn, or overeating and avoiding the gym.
Whatever it is, start with the bright spots.
Look for the times that you've actually done what you needed to do and find out how you can do more of that good thing. That's the exercise.
Change is the goal, and starting with what's working (instead of what's not) is simply a different way of approaching the goal and creating the changes you hope to see.
Nate
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P.S.
What about you? Do you tend to focus on the problems first or what's working well?
This slight change of focus may help you create the changes in your life that have eluded you so far.
Think of an area of your life you'd like to improve on or change, and start with this question:
"What's working and how can I do more of it?"
(Struggling to change and want more direction or help? Click here to see if this might help.)
