Break Bad Habits

Build Better Ones

Become Better Men

 - Nate Whitson -

Have you ever seen this picture?

This is what it feels like to wrestle with your thoughts.

On one side, it feels as if we hear from God clearly.

On the other, the devil stirs up trouble.

What is so fascinating to me, though, is the fact that, in both cases, the voice sounds like our own.

This is what makes it so difficult for us to differentiate between the two voices and to know which one is the right one to listen to.

Consider this when it comes to the internal dialogue you have with your wife.

When you are hurt by her (usually because she's done something that felt disrespectful to you), your dialogue may sound something like this:

"She's always doing that to me!  I hate how she has never really understood me!"

Or, "All she does is nag!  She's just like her mother!"

Or this: "She doesn't respect me at all.  I'm putting in all this effort, and she just doesn't get it or appreciate me."

Have you been there?

Can you relate?

The internal dialogue in our head can be a dangerous place to live.

There have been times in my 21 years of marriage that I've felt all of those things.

But here's one thing that has helped me that may help you too.

I trust the goodwill and intentions of my wife.

Early on in our marriage, she'd hurt my feelings by the way she looked at me, that I took as disgust.

Or, with the way she'd say something that felt like an attack against me.

Or, by the way she'd respond to something, that made me think that she just didn't care.

But, over time, I've learned to see that if I can trust that her will for me is good, I'm able to diffuse that voice in my head that is screaming otherwise.

That simple idea was a game-changer for me and might be for you, too.

This is one of the most powerful tools you have in your marriage tool box...the ability to see past how you feel.

You likely know this to be true, but you might need to be reminded of it today.  

How you feel isn't always true.

It FEELS disrespectful sometimes - but I know deep down that's not really what she's trying to do.

It FEELS like she's attacking me - but I know that she's not built that way or thinking like that.

It FEELS like she just wants to push all my buttons and get us to fight - but I know that's not what's really going on.

Emotional strength (one of the 4 Principles of our Fight Club) is so key to living a better, stronger, more satisfying life.

Having emotional strength and intelligence is key to learning how to distinguish between the voices in your head.

So, the next time the voices start screaming and you want to turn on your wife and keep the fight going I want you to do this instead:

Ask yourself, "Is that REALLY what's going on here?  Is that REALLY what she's like?  Is that REALLY true?"

My guess is that this pause and quick reflection will help you avoid the inevitable spinning out of control that wrecks so many good marriages.

Your wife isn't (in most cases) against you.  She isn't trying to hurt you or disrespect you.

Yes, there is more going on, and you do need to engage with that and figure out what is real.  

But as a starting point, just ask yourself those simple questions and see how much better your day goes when you don't let the devil win in your head.

Nate

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P.S.

Emotional strength and intelligence may be the biggest key to a better marriage.

Without it, you're a prisoner to how you feel and the voice in your head that says your wife is trying to hurt you.

But, as you likely already know - that's rarely the case.

The key to stopping the voices from spinning out of control is to practice doing what I share with you today, and then let me know:

What other tips or tricks do you suggest men try when the voices in their head start spinning out of control?

Reply to this email and let me know!